ninth, no … tenth blog
After some reflection on your various attractions to both sexes, a common factor running through each of them eventually ran in front of you. And suddenly you started looking for its tracks elsewhere. You realized it was everywhere.
You are attracted to that which challenges you.
You know it’s true. You know you love thinking, learning and growing and you feel this way about everything—about teachers, about art, about lifestyles. So of course you would build your erotic lens off the same blueprint.
You’ve wondered why your best friendships have never led to romance, while you’ve known shallower ones to incorporate elements of attraction in them…. And it’s because your best friends naturally relieve you, naturally pacify you. Although at times these friends have challenged you, it’s only been intellectually, never sexually and never emotionally.
Your friends whom you’ve had a hard time befriending, your friends whom you’ve found obtuse in the past, whom you’ve found hard to progress with emotionally: These friends are the ones that excited you inexplicably.
You’ve experienced this mainly with other men who made a point of their own masculinity over yours. When a male friend put his maleness between you, put up his machismo as a front, that’s what frustrated you and turned you on. It activated rather than pacified you.
You found yourself challenged to have a relationship with them, where with easier friends (male and female) asserting sexual identity is never an issue.
Friction creates heat! And for you, that holds true in an emotional and sexual sense as well.
For you the excitement of homosexuality has always been in the excitement of competition, the playful invitation to display sexual assertion. Which is why you’ve never felt any attraction toward an actual homosexual relationship, but only toward encounters.
As far as sexual involvement goes, you’ve never wanted anything more than relief to the sexual challenge in the form of sexual release. When it was an emotional incongruity, the emotional became translated into sexual and physical, and from there you wanted emotional release (in sexual outlet).
So far, whenever you’ve been incited by others or by yourself to decide your sexual orientation, you’ve become confused by your feelings. You felt heterosexual, and yet you felt attracted to other boys. But until the onset of adolescence, you’d only ever liked girls, so then why the sudden attraction to boys? All your crushes were still on girls. Why these new, different feelings for boys?
You didn’t know the answer then, but you did know that the way you were attracted to boys was different than the way you were attracted to girls….
And now, coming to understand the two-dimensional makeup of your homosexuality has encouraged you even more toward heterosexual resolution. Although, you should be clear: you have nothing against homosexuality—one of your best friends is gay.
Unfortunately, sex-symbols were usually the girls to command your attention. Real girls have rarely attracted you because they’ve rarely challenged you. And at times this fact has been something that’s compounded your sexual confusion.
You tend to understand girls as innately as other girls do, because you grew up as the only boy in an all-girl home. You’ve made friends with them easily. And you’ve rarely found yourself attracted to them because you’ve rarely felt uncomfortable or challenged around them.
But when girls (real ones) have challenged you, you’ve fallen head-over-heels….
Earlier you were fantasizing about a girl who could shut you up with all her own realizations and ideas—a girl who would invite you to inspired silence. And now you know why.
Still, you need to reconsider all your assumptions, because suddenly you’re wondering whether your intimacy with girls has caused you to put them as a whole into boxes and onto pedestals.
You told your closest friend, whom you’re going on an eight-hour road trip to see today, that she should expect a conversation about some of the things that have been on your mind—
Namely, that you think you’ve been unknowingly depressed for some time, and that you think you might have gained some insight into your sexuality!
And, after the call ended, you took a look at yourself through Freudian glasses.
At once, a theory stood up:
While you have yet to delve into your heterosexual identity this clearly, the dust you’ve been kicking up over your homosexual identity may have settled down just enough for you to make something out.
Your father verbally and emotionally abused you when you were young. He made a repeated effort to have you feel inferior to him, and was constantly asserting his dominance and you. The extent to which he would go to make the point of his fatherhood over you, his egocentric, male superiority, was ludicrous. There was little difference in your understanding between being a son to your father and being the victim of his bullying.
You aren’t trying to be melodramatic. It’s just the facts of the matter.
And whether you’re melodramatic or not, lining your present up beside your past draws some noteworthy parallels.
In summary, from the evidence (and not very good evidence, you should remember) of your memories combined with your recent conclusions, you have begun to think that (perhaps) you are so fine-tuned to emotional challenges and so fine-tuned to sexual challenges—with considerable overlap between them—because your identity as a male was shaped in an environment of continual emotional and sexual challenge by your father. And during the onset of puberty, any upset or tension was easily translated into libidinal fire.
In summary of your summary, you’re a guy with daddy issues.
And honestly, you think that’s pretty funny.